You would be surprised how much free time I have. How much of my life is left for thinking and not acting because I can't, because there are the kind of road blocks in the way that you just can't power through. These road blocks have faces, and agendas all their own. They remind me that the world isn't any one person's, its not mine. It belongs to everyone, in little pieces, and when any one person tugs on the edge of their piece they take bit away from someone else's bit. You feel bad when you take from someone else, naturally you have to. You have to, to get anywhere in life you have to take advantage of people and you can't spend the whole time feeling guilty about it either. You have to accept it and enjoy your bit of the world, because it's all you've got.

The worst part is when you tug and you really want a part of that person, not just their time, or their support, but their mind, to spend a little time in their world. It is so much to ask, and if they don't want you there it hurts. Especially with me. I don't ask much of people. Thats my problem, I've learned that now. I need to ask for little parts of people so I can grow, people who want me to be successful, even when I can't see it. I need to keep going at this life, I need to stop sitting around, I need to get off my butt and be active. Stop living life from the couch and the sidelines I need to go out and do whatever I can to stop this cycle. The people in my life try to help all this, but they don't realize that I need to know that I can do anything I want, not just what they have time for. They need to kick me out the door and unleash me for good if they want me to succeed, because at this point I don't need them holding my hand anymore.

I guess thats why I can be so different at camp. I'm free to be myself, to take life by storm and do everything I can, everything I'm unsure about. There is something about just wanting it for yourself, and letting people challenge you and your idea of yourself that makes it possible to change. I get off my butt and do something because every morning I have to. I have to get up and prove myself to myself, to everyone. I love to prove myself wrong. I loved standing at the top of dog mountain and falling into the dirt covered in alien sweat. I loved saying that I did it even though I didn't want to and thought I couldn't. I need to be in that environment, which I know isn't realistic or even logical but I thrive in that world. I need to make that world here. I need to find that element in this life, I need to make myself do it for the better.

This is my new promise to myself. Everyday between now and camp next year. I need to find nature in my life, and challenges that overwhelm me, and friends who support me. This is all I need. And I do need it, more than I've ever realized. This is my promise.